Affected Realism and Intimacy
My interest in neuroscience began many years ago when I was helping people reclaim their health. I noticed a connection between how we interpret physical and emotional pain, which led me to some fascinating insights. The most important thing I realized is that we all have a choice when it comes to pain—whether it’s physical or emotional. We can either let it overwhelm us or seek ways to stabilize ourselves, both physically and emotionally. These seem to be the two paths available to us.
Recently, I’ve been exploring how this idea applies to intimacy, and I’ve found that traditional approaches might not be enough in today’s complex world. Understanding how our mind and body respond to what’s happening around us, both neurologically and philosophically, offers a new way to look at intimacy.
Take "Affected Realism," for example. It refers to how our current emotional state shapes what we believe to be true. This can lead to misunderstandings in relationships, like when one partner interprets a lack of affection as rejection when it might just be stress or distraction.
By practicing mindfulness, we can learn to stabilize our emotions before reacting. This reduces misinterpretation and improves communication. Without emotional stability, our amygdala—the brain’s fear center—can hijack our relationships, causing defensiveness and emotional withdrawal. Learning to pause and calm ourselves before reacting helps us communicate better and reduces emotional overreactions.
It also encourages emotional vulnerability. Many people avoid being vulnerable because of past hurts or emotional sensitivity. But intimacy grows through consistent actions that show care and love. Without emotional stability, this predictability is easily disrupted.
So, what’s the takeaway? To be emotionally stable and predictable in relationships, we need a consistent practice that keeps us connected to what matters most—our values and the kind of person we want to be. For a relationship to thrive and achieve deep intimacy, both partners need to engage in this work. Affected Realism reminds us that we all share the responsibility of staying emotionally stable to ensure our relationships grow and flourish.
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